Once Upon a Mattress

Judie's Place | HOME |

Music: Mary Rodgers

Lyrics: Marshall Barer

Many moons ago in a far-off place Lived a handsome prince with a gloomy face For he did not have a bride. Oh, he sighed "Alas" And he pined, Alas, But, alas, the prince couldn't find a lass Who would suit his mother's pride. For a princess is a delicate thing, delicate and dainty as a dragonfly's wing. You can recognize a lady by her elegant air but a genuine princess is exceedingly rare. On stormy night to the castle door came the lass the prince had been waiting for: "I'm a princess lost," quoth she. But the queen was cool and remained aloof and she said, "Perhaps, but we'll need proof; I'll prepare a test and see." "I will test her thus," the old queen said, "I'll put twenty downy mattresses upon her bed, And beneath those twenty mattresses I'll place one tiny pea. If that pea disturbs her slumber Then a true princess is she!" Now, the bed was soft, and extremely tall But the dainty lass didn't sleep at all, and she told them so next day. Said the queen, "My dear, if you felt that pea then we've proof enough of your royalty. Let the wedding music play!" and the people shouted quietly

For a princess is a delicate thing, delicate and dainty as a dragonfly's wing. You can recognize a lady by her elegant air, but a genuine princess is exceedingly rare! There are many versions of this story. I sing them all. This is the prettiest, but it's not quite accurate. I happen to know the true story of "The Princess and the Pea" for the very good reason that I was there. It was a small kingdom, ruled over by a talkative Queen and a mute King. And the princess in the true story was not the only girl put to the test. Actually, she was one of 13 girls… girls who came to the castle hoping to wed the Prince, but who, for one reason or another, were found to be unsuitable.

Opening for a Princess

Dauntless: Ohhhhh… I liked her!

Larken: So did I.

Dauntless: Why…

Dauntless: Must every princess get the bird?

Lady Rowena: It's just absurd!

Lady Agatha: I never heard a test so difficult to pass!

Dauntless: Alas, a lass is what I lack, I lack a lass, alas alack.

Throughout the land no one may wed Ladies:

'Til Dauntless shares his marriage bed Ohhh…

The lonely spinster's life! Go… And get the prince a royal wife

(Dauntless, disconsolate, leaves)

We have an opening for a princess, For a genuine, certified princess.

Tell us when you intend to end this dilemma we're in!

None of the ladies give a fig for livin' in sin!

We have an opening for a princess, for a beautiful, bona-fide princess.

Where's the dutiful knight who'll right all the wrong we've been done?

None of the ladies are having any fun.

Pity the ladies-in-waiting.

Pity the gentleman too.

Eight, ten, eleven, twelve contenders in a row..

They came, they were tested

Ladies: Then swiftly requested to go…

Ladies: Knights:

…For a princess the trumpet, sound the fife!

For a genuine, certified princess.

Go and get the prince a royal wife!

Tell us when you intend to send a girl who can pass

None of the ladies are havin' any…

No one is havin' any, No one is getting any younger, and it's been God knows how long since

We have an opening for a princess Ladies:

For a genuine, certified princess We have an

Opening for a princess

We have an opening for a princess who's good enough, nice enough, sweet enough, smart enough, rich enough for our poor prince!

In a Little While

Don't despair, Larken, for we have plenty of time. If a true princess is not found in the next few months, I will go out and find one myself…

But, Harry, I'm going to have a baby. (Harry is stunned) So you see a princess for dauntless must be found…and soon… or I shall have to go away somewhere.

(Bravely) No! You'll stay here! Why should we both have to suffer all our lives just because you had a moment of weakness?

Oh Harry! (She throws herself into his arms.)

We're none of us perfect. Everything's going to be all right.

It won't be long, it won't be long, It won't because it can't be long before our dreams come true. Because you know I don't belong and furthermore I shan't belong to anyone but you.

In a little while, just a little while, You and I will be one two, three, four. In a little while I shall see your smile on the face of my son to be; forever hand in glove is the way I have it planned, but I'll only stay in love if the glove contains your hand.

I can see it all down to every small detail: So I wish you'd look around until you've found a castle in the neighborhood for sale.

Oh, I already have! It's tiny, only 27 rooms, and the moats a mess… but we can pick it up for a sonnet. My time is at a premium for soon the world will see me a maternal bride to be. I know I musn't worry, Harry, Still I wish you'd hurry, Harry, Harry, Marry me!

In a little while, just a little while, you and I will be one two, three, four. In a little while I will see your smile on the face of my son to be;

Forever hand in glove is the way I have it planned,

But I'll only stay in love

If the glove contains your hand.

In a velvet gown you'll be coming down the aisle…

And it's bound to seem as though the waiting's only been a little in a little while.

(Dauntless is beginning to think that his mother doesn't want him to get married. Nonsense, she explains, she wants him to marry, but only if he marries a genuine bonafide princess)

Sir Harry made a perilous journey over the mountains, across the badlands and into the marshland where the beautiful Swamp Lily grows. It took three weeks, and Lady Larken had all but given up hope that he would find a true princess. Then, one sunny morning in mid-April, when the crocuses were just beginning to dot the meadows, the lookout in the north round tower spied two distant figures approaching at a full gallop. The alarm was spread: "sir Harry is back! Sir Harry is back with the new princess!" Now let's see. How does this part go in the old story? "On a stormy night to the castle door came the lass the prince had been waiting for…" That, of course, is utterly untrue. It didn't storm that night at all. In fact it wasn't even night. And the princess only looked as though she'd come in from a storm.

All right, I was a little anxious. My friend, Sir Harry… he told me you had an opening for a princess. Any princess. I figured… the early bird! Oh, anyway, here I am. Who's the lucky man?

(reviewing the Knights) Hey nonny, nonny is it you?

Hey nonny, nonny, nonny no!

Hey nonny, nonny is it you?

Hey nonny, nonny, nonny no!

Hey, nonny, nonny is it you, or you, or you, or you, or…

Nenny, nonny, nenny, nenny!!!

Someone's being bashful; that's no way to be, not with me. Can't you see that I am just as embarrassed as you? And I can understand your point of view. I've always been… Shy!! I confess it, I'm shy! Can't you guess that this confident air is just a mask that I wear 'cause I'm shy? And you may be sure way down deep I'm demure, though some people I know might deny it at bottom I'm quiet and pure! I'm aware that it's wrong to be meek as I am; my chances may pass me by. I pretend to be strong, but as weak as I am, all I can do is try. God knows I… try! Though I'm frightened and shy! And despite the impression I give I confess that I'm living a lie… Because I'm actually terribly timid, and horribly shy… Though a lady may be dripping with glamour, as often as not she'll stumble and stammer when suddenly confronted with romance. And she's likely to fall of her face when she's finally face-to-face with a pair of pants. Quite often the lady's not as hard to please as she seems. Quite often she'll settle for something less than the man of her dreams… I'm going fishing for a mate!

She's going fishing for a mate…

I'm going to look in ev'ry brook!

She's going to look in ev'ry brook…

But how must longer must I wait with baited breath and hook?

(Knights dance while Winnifred watches)

Oh! That was wonderful! And that is why, though 'm painfully shy, I'm insane to know which sir… you, sir?

Then who, sir? Where, sir, and when, sir, I couldn't be tenser So let's get this done, man get on with the fun, man, I an one man…

The lady is one man…

Winnifred and Knights:

(King Sextimus doesn't say anything because he was rendered mute by a witch's curse long ago. But he can still communicate in his own sign language. He knows about Lady Larken's delicate condition and wants to let his court buddies in on the secret so they can help find a worthy candidate.)

Don't worry, your Majesty, we can keep a secret. The question is…can you?

(mimes) [Me? I can't even talk!]

We know you can't talk… but you manage to communicate.

The Minstrel, the Jester and I

Minstrel & Jester:

We have only two voices among us and yet there's a third voice, a voice in disguise; You'll be hearing a trio and not a duet if you listen with both of your eyes. Kindly

Minstrel & Jester:

We produce a unique and remarkable blend when we raise our three voices on high; we're in perfect accord from beginning to

The king and the Minstrel and I.

Minstrel & Jester:

Yet if one of our trio should ever depart then the others would languish and die. We're like three different people with only one

The king and the Jester and I.

Minstrel & Jester:

Sing hey, nonny nonny, hey, nonny nonny hi diddle diddle, strike up a tune on the

Oh the cook claims she's missing one choc'late cream roll

And a fish that was ready to fry.

Minstrel & Jester:

Guess who's dining on pastry and filet of

(mimes) [ sole? Minstrel, Jester, I]

Minstrel & Jester:

Sing hey, nonny nonny, hey, nonny nonny needle and thimble, crash us a clash on the

(a lady crosses the stage)

It's been set up our king that his morals are loose,

But the queen is much worse on the sly,

(the king runs off after the lady)

Minstrel & Jester:

Well, what's good for the gander is good for the

(the lady screams offstage; the king runs back in)

Say the king and the Jester,

The king and the Minstrel,

Minstrel & Jester:

The vulgar girl… We must think of a test that looks fair, sounds fair seems fair, and isn't fair. But exactly what?

No, that's not hard enough. Sensitivity, sensitivity, I'm just loaded with that! In this one word is the epitome of the aristocrat! Sensitive soul and sensitive stomach, sensitive hands and feet; this is the blessing, also the curse, of being the true elite. Common people don't know what exquisite agony is suffered by gentle people like me (Merton is fussing with her hair) Just get your hands off me! Think up a tricky test for that wretched, moat-swimming princess…

Madam, may I suggest… Maybe we ought to…

Don't take all night! I'm not well… I need my rest. Not that I ever sleep on that lumpy mattress! Oh God! My back! Sensitivity, bane of royalty, that bed's a torture rack! Oh, I hate to sound grumpy, but my nerves are so jumpy I am sure I could feel any lump even if it were under the mattress and small as a pea! That's the answer! Under the mattress! We'll test her tonight! One tiny pea beneath one thick downy mattress. Oh God! You're bright! Any genuine princess would feel it, if she doesn't she's through! Get the tiniest pea and order one mattress… No, make it two!

Ten, I think should be plenty, better still make it twenty. And to play it safe in the event even that's not enough to insure that she sleeps, we'll give her a strong sedative, won't we? You can whip up a drink: Something stunning! Oh, but you're devilish! I love the way you think! She's insensitive, so insensitive, she'll fall asleep no doubt. God but you're clever! Brilliant! A genius! You are divine! Get out!

Winnifred is given a room in the palace and prepares for her test, whatever it may be. Dauntless, intrigued, wants to know more about her)

The Swamps of Home

I come from the land of the foggy, foggy dew ooh-ooh-ooh! ooh-ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh-ooh! Where walking through the meadow in the morning is like walking through glue! The swamps of home are brushed with green and gold at break of day.

The swaps of home are lovely to behold from far away.

In my soul is the beauty of the bog, in my memory the magic of the mud. I know that blood is thicker than water but the swamps of home are thicker than blood.

Where e'er I roam my heart grows dank and cold, my face grows gray when shadows fall and I hear the call… of the swamps of home.

I hear them calling me now, calling me back, calling me Winnifred, Winnifred, Winnifred, Winnifred, who do you think you are? Girl of the swamp,

Winnifred, Winnifred

You've gone to far! Maid of the marshland, give up the struggle! Listen to the voice of the swamp; gluggle-uggle-uggle.

gluggle-uggle-uggle.

Where e'er I roam. The whips of fate may smart, but deep down in my heart

One thought will abide and will ne'er be forgotten, though I search far and wide there is no land as rotten…

Rotten, rotten, rotten, Rotten, rotten, rotten, Rotten, rotten, rotten…

As the swamps of home.

Winnifred, Dauntless & Ladies:

(Lady Larken enters and, mistaking Winnifred for a maid, sets her off to work-only to be astonished when Sir Harry comes in and addresses Winnifred as "Your Highness." Harry and Larken argue and, humiliated, Larken decides she has no choice but to leave the kingdom)

Lady Larken, you know that the Queen would never permit one of her Ladies-in-Waiting to leave the Castle by herself.

God knows, I'm a Lady-in-Waiting!

Beyond the wall which you must climb…

It's twenty-two feet and covered with slime.

And infested with spiders!

Oh, the spiders are sweet compared to the snakes!

Well, they won't hurt you, unless of course you insist on leaving alone… and now!

Well, I did. But if I'd known it was so terrible out there…

Then you'd think a second thought and come with me. I know all the secret ways to set you free, over the hills and to the open sea!

Open sea? But where?

Because… it's out of the castle. Out of the country. And safe, where no one knows you.

Minstrel & Jester:

Normandy is fine and fair so Normandy is where we'll go!

I can show you a beach where the peach blossom blows,

And I know how to reach a man who knows

Minstrel & Jester:

A man who knows a cozy inn,

Minstrel & Jester:

With rows of windows facing the sea! This time of year the air I hear is rare and clear and warm in Normandy!

I know a meadow covered with mustard flowers golden as the sun,

Where a wond'rous thing can happen when an April day is done.

There's a moment after the twilight

Minstrel & Jester:

When the sky is suddenly green, and the world stands hushed and waiting for the first white stars to convene.

When you see that emerald sky,

(echo) When you see that emerald sky,

You'll know to reason why

(echo) And know the reason why

Minstrel & Jester:

Place I'd rather be! Keep your el dorado… and to hell with burgundy! Come fly with me, come try those wings, come swift for we have things to do…

Is there truly a beach where the peach blossom blows? Are you sure you can reach that…

…Man who knows that man who knows

There's Jessamine and…

White lilac lace and…

With Minstrel & Jester:

Rows of windows Rows of windows

Facing the sea… Facing the sea…

This time of year the air I hear is rare and clear and warm…

Minstrel & Jester: Don't be afraid!

Larken: It's warm…

Minstrel & Jeste:

All three: In Normandy

Jester: In Normandy

Minstrel: In Normandy

Larken: In Normandy

Charming! Let the ball begin!

(To ensure Winnifred's failure, the Queen schedules an exhausting dance to tire her out on the night of her big sleep)

The Spanish Panic

(The dance starts and proceeds wildly. The Queen and Merton move out of the way. The dancers stop.)

Queen:No, no, no! More, more, more!

(They continue to dance in every conceivable dance style.)

Dance, dance, dance or die!

(At the end of the dance everyone collapses except Winnifred. "Let's do it again," she announces. Afterwards, she asks Dauntless for a clue about what the test might be. He doesn't know, but he knows (hopes) she will pass)

By the way, Dauntless, I don't think I ever told you… my full name is Winnifred the Woebegone. But Winnifred's too formal. You can call me by my nickname.

Fred! What a beautiful name! So straight… so strong… so you!

I like you, Fred, I like you!

You're just saying those words to be kind.

No I mean it. I like… I mean I love you, Fred!

He is out of his medieval mind!

I'm perfectly sane and sound! I never felt better in my life! Everybody… Everybody! Everybody come and meet my incipient wife! I'm in love with a girl named Fred! My reasons must be clear: When she shows you all how strong she is you'll stand right up and cheer!

(Fred lifts a huge weight)

Knights & Ladies:

With and "F" and an "R" and an "E" and a "D" And an "F-R-E-D" Fred! Yeah!

I'm in love with a girl named Fred! She drinks just like a Lord! So sing a merry drinking song and let the wine be poured!

(Fred drinks and enormous goblet of wine)

Knights & Ladies:

Fill the bowl to overflowing raise the goblet high! (Fred lifts a huge weight) With and "F" and an "R" and an "E" and a "D" And an "F-R-E-D" Fred! Yeah!

I'm in love with a girl named Fred! She sings just like a Bird! You'll be left completely speechless when her gentle voice is heard!

(Fred sings a Jazz Riff)