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Pal Joey

Music by Richard Rodgers
Lyrics by Lorenz Hart
Book by John O'Hara

  1.  Overture
  2.  You Mustn't Kick It Around
  3.  I Could Write A Book
  4.  Chicago (Alternate Title:  A Great Big Town)
  5.  That Terrific Rainbow
  6.  What Is A Man?
  7.  Happy Hunting Horn
  8.  Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered
  9.  Pal Joey (Alternate Title:  What Do I Care For A Dame?)
 10.  The Flower Garden Of My Heart
 11.  Zip
 12.  Plant You Now, Dig You Later
 13.  In Our Little Den Of Inequity
 14.  Do It The Hard Way
 15.  Take Him
 16.  Bewitched, Bothered And Bewildered (Reprise)
 17.  Finale:  I Could Write A Book
 18.  I'm Talking To My Pal (Dropped before the New York opening)

       1.  Overture  

       2.  You Mustn't Kick It Around
           Introduced by Gene Kelly, June Havoc, Diane Sinclair,
           Sondra Barrett, and ensemble.


          I have the worst apprehension
          That you don't crave my attention.
          But I can't force you to change your taste.
          If you don't care to be nice, dear,
          Then give me air, but not ice, dear.
          Don't let a good fellow go to waste.
          For this little sin that you commit at leisure,
          You'll repent in haste.

          If my heart gets in your hair,
          You mustn't kick it around.
          If you're bored with this affair,
          You mustn't kick it around.
          Even though I'm mild and meek
          When we have a brawl,
          If I turn the other cheek
          You mustn't kick it at all.
          When I try to ring the bell,
          You never care for the sound;
          The next guy may not do as well.
          You mustn't kick it around!

       3.  I Could Write a Book  
           Introduced by Gene Kelly and Leila Ernst.


          A B C D E F G-
          I never learned to spell,
          At least not well.
          1 2 3 4 5 6 7-
          I never learned to count
          A great amount.
          But my busy mind is burning
          To use what learning I've got.
          I won't waste any time,
          I'll strike while the iron is hot.


          If they asked me, I could write a book
          About the way you walk and whisper and look.
          I could write a preface on how we met
          So the world would never forget.
          And the simple secret of the plot
          Is just to tell them that I love you a lot;
          Then the world discovers as my book ends
          How to make two lovers of friends.

          VERSE 2


          Used to hate to go to school.
          I never cracked a book;
          I played the hook.
          Never answered any mail;
          To write I used to think
          Was wasting ink.
          It was never my endeavor
          To be too clever and smart.
          Now I suddenly feel
          A longing to write in my heart.


       4.  Chicago (Alternate Title:  A Great Big Town)
           Introduced by Michael Moore and ensemble.
          There's a great big town
          On a great big lake
          Called Chicago.
          When the sun goes down
          It is wide awake.
          Take your ma and your pa,
          Go to Chicago.
          Boston is England,
          N'Orleans is France,
          New York is anyone's
          For ten cents a dance.
          But this great big town
          On a great big lake
          Is America's first,
          And Americans make
          Hi ya boys.


There's a great big town
On a great big lake
Called Morocco.
When the sun does down
It is wide awake.
Take your ma and your pa,
Go to Morocco.

       5.  That Terrific Rainbow
           Introduced by June Havoc and Van Johnson.  

My life had no color
Before I met you.
What could have been duller
The time I went through?
You weakened my resistance
And colored by existence;
I'm happy and unhappy too.


I'm a red-hot mama,
But I'm blue for you.
I get purple with anger
At the things you do.
And I'm green with envy
When you meet a dame.
But you burn my heart up
With an orange flame.
I'm a red-hot mama
But you're white and cold.
Don't you know your mama
Has a heart of gold?
Though we're in those gray clouds,
Someday you'll see
That terrific rainbow
Over you and me.           

       6.  What Is A Man?  (From December 25, 1940, until May 12, 1941,
           was titled, "Love Is My Friend")
           Introduced by Vivienne Segal.


          There are so many, so many fish in the sea,
          Must I want the one who's not for me?
          It's just my foolish way.
          What can I do about it?
          I'm much too used to love
To be without it.

          What is a man?
          Is he an animal,
          Is he a wolf,
          Is he a mouse,
          Is he the cheap or the dear kind,
          Is he champagne or the beer kind?
          What is a man?
          Is he a stimulant,
          Good for the heart,
          Bad for the nerves?
          Nature's mistake since the world began,
          What makes me give,
          What makes me live,
          What is this thing called man?

          Hello Jack-can't keep the appointment,
          Have an awful cold [sneeze].
          Hello, Frank-
          Have to meet my husband.
          So long-please don't scold.

          What is a man?
          Is he an ornament,
          Useless by day,
          Handy by night.
          From Charlie Chaplin
          To Charlie Chan
          All have one trick-*          
          One that is slick.
          What is this thing called man?

          *In the published script the closing lines are:
           They're all alike,
           They're all I like.
           What is this thing called man?

       7.  Happy Hunting Horn  
           Introduced by Gene Kelly, Jane Fraser, and ensemble.

Don't worry, girls,
I'm only on vacation,
Not out of circulation;
Don't worry, girls.
Don't worry, girls,
While I still have my eyesight
You're going to be in my sight;
Don't worry, girls.
You never can erase
The hunter from the chase.


Sound the happy hunting horn,
There's new game on the trail now;
We're hunting for quail now,
Happy little hunting horn.
Play the horn but don't play corn.
The music must be nice now,
We're hunting for mice now,
Happy little hunting horn.
Danger's easy to endure when
You're out to catch a beaut;
Lie in ambush, but be sure when
You see the whites of their eyes-don't shoot!
Play the horn from night to morn.
Just play, no matter what time,
Play, "There'll be a hot time!"
Happy little hunt-bang! bang!-ing horn.

       8.  Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (Alternate title:  
           Introduced by Vivienne Segal.


          After one whole quart of brandy,*
          Like a daisy I awake.
          With no Bromo Seltzer handy,
          I don't even shake.
          Men are not a new sensation;
          I've done pretty well, I think.
          But this half-pint imitation
          Put me on the blink.

          REFRAIN 1

          I'm wild again,
          Beguilded again,
          A simpering, whimpering child again-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
          Couldn't sleep
          And wouldn't sleep
          Until I could sleep where I shouldn't sleep-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
          Lost my heart, but what of it?
          My mistake, I agree.
          He's a laugh, but I love it
          Because the laugh's on me.
          A pill he is,
          But still he is
          All mine and I'll keep him until he is
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered
          Like me.

          REFRAIN 2

          Seen a lot-
          I mean a lot-
          But now I'm like sweet seventeen a lot-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
          I'll sing to him,
          Each spring to him,
          And worship the trousers that cling to him-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
          When he talks, he is seeking
          Words to get off his chest.
          Horizontally speaking,
          He's at his very best.
          Vexed again,
          Perplexed again,
          Thank God I can't be oversexed again-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.

          REFRAIN 3

Sweet again,
Petite again,
And on my proverbial seat again-
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
What am I?
Half shot am I.
To think that he loves me
So hot am I-
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.
Though at first we said, "No, sir,"
Now we're two little dears.
You might say we are closer
Than Roebuck is to Sears.
I'm dumb again
And numb again,
A rich, ready, ripe little plum again-
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.


You know,
It is really quite funny
Just how quickly he learns
How to spend all the money
That Mr. Simpson earns.
He's kept enough,
He's slept enough,
And yet where it counts
He's adept enough-
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I.

*In the published script the first four lines of song are:
He's a fool, and don't I know it-
But a fool can have his charms;
I'm in love and don't I show it,
Like a babe in arms.

9.  Pal Joey  (Alternate Title:  What Do I Care For A Dame?)
    Introduced by Gene Kelly

What do I care for a dame?
What do I care for a dame?
Every old dame is the same.
Every damn dame is the same.

I got a future-
A rosy future;
You can be sure I'll be tops.
I'm independent;
I'm no defendant.
I'll own a nightclub that's tops,
And I'll be in with the cops.

What do I care for the skirts?
What do I care for the skirts?
I'll make them pay till it hurts.
Let them put up till it hurts.

I'm going to own a nightclub;
It's going to be the right club.
For the swell gentry-
It's elementary.
I'll wear top hat and cane.
In Chez Joey,
They'll pay Joey,
The gay Joey-
I can see it plain.

          10.  The Flower Garden of My Heart  
               Introduced by June Havoc, Shirley Paige, and ensemble.


I haven't got a great big yacht,
But I'm contented with my lot.
I've got one thing much more beautiful and grand.
I do not own a racing horse,
But that don't fill me with remorse.
I possess the finest showplace in the land.
So come with me and wander
To a lovely spot out yonder.


In the flower garden of my heart
I`ve got violets as blue as your eyes.
I've got dainty narcissus
As sweet as my missus
And lilies as pure as the skies.
In the flower garden of my heart
I've got roses as red as your mouth.
Just to keep our love holy
I've got gladioli
And sunflowers fresh from the South.
But you are the artist
And love is the art
In the flower garden of my heart.


Violet-the flower dear old Grandmother wore
Away `way back in the days of yore.
Sunflower-the favorite of white and dusky pixie
Away down South in the land of Dixie.
Heather-Sir Harry Lauder sang of its beauties-
The decoration of all Scotch cuties.
Lily-the flower of youthful purity-
It's very sweet-you have my surety.
Lilac-the sky turns blue and the church bells chime.
Ah, love, we love sweet lilac time.
If you're a hundred percent American-goodness knows,
You love the American Beauty Rose.


In the flower garden of my heart
I've got daisies to tell me you're true.
Oh, the west wind will whisk us
The scent of hibiscus
And heather that's smothered with dew.
In the flower garden of my heart
I've got lilacs and dainty sweet peas,
You will look like sweet william
And smell like a trillium
Surrounded by fond bumblebees.
But love is the archer and you are the dart*
In the flower garden of my heart.

*Alternate version of refrain 2, lines 11-12:
But you are the pastry and I am the tart
In the flower garden of my heart.

11.  Zip
     Introduced by Jean Casto.


I've interviewed Leslie Howard.*
I've interviewed Noel Coward.
I've interviewed the great Stravinsky.
But my greatest achievement
Is the interview I had
With a star who worked for Minsky.
I met her at the Yankee Clipper
And she didn't unzip one zipper.
I said, "Miss Lee, you are such an artist.
Tell me why you never miss.
What do you think of while you work?"
And she said, "While I work
My thoughts go something like this."


          Zip! Walter Lippmann wasn't brilliant today.
          Zip! Will Saroyan ever write a great play?
          Zip! I was reading Schopenhauer last night.
          Zip! And I think that Schopenhauer was right.
          I don't want to see Zorina.
          I don't want to meet Cobina.
          Zip! I'm an intellectual.
          I don't like a deep contralto,
          Or a man whose voice is alto.
          Zip! I'm a heterosexual.
          Zip! It took intelect to master my art.
          Zip! Who the hell is Margie Hart?


          Zip! I consider Dali's painting passe.
          Zip! Can they make the Metropolitan pay?
          Zip! English people don't say clerk, they say clark.**
          Zip! Anybody who says clark is a jark!
          I have read the great Kabala
          And I simply worship Allah.
          Zip! I am just a mystic.
          I don't care for Whistler's Mother,
          Charlie's Aunt, or Shubert's brother.
          Zip! I'm misogynistic.
          Zip! My intelligence is guiding my hand.
Zip! Who the hell is Sally Rand?


          Zip! Toscanini leads the greatest of bands.***
          Zip! Jergen's Lotion does the trick for his hands.
          Zip! Rip Van Winkle on the screen would be smart.
          Zip! Tyrone Power will be cast in the part.
          I adore the great Confucius,
          And the lines of luscious Lucius.
          Zip! I am so ecletic.
          I don't care for either Mickey-
          Mouse and Rooney make me sicky!
          Zip! I'm a little hectic.
          Zip! My artistic taste is classic and dear.****
          Zip! Who the hell's Lili St. Cyr?

*Earlier versions of lines 1-2:
I've interviewed Pablo Picasso
And a countess named di Frasso.

**Earlier version of refrain 2, lines 3-4:
Zip!  Hearing rhumba bands will drive me to drink.
Zip!  Mrs. Perkins isn't red, she's just pink.

***Earlier version of refrain 3, line 1:
Zip!  That Stokowski leads the greatest of bands.

****Earlier version of refrain 3, lines 11-12:
Zip!  My artistic taste is classic and choice.
Zip!  Who the hell's Rosita Royce?

      12.  Plant You Now, Dig You Later
Introduced by Jack Durant, June Havoc, and ensemble.


Sweetheart, the day is waning,
Must go without complaining.
Time for Auf Wiederseh'ning now.
Don't let this sad disclosure
Ruffle your calm composure,
Smile at the one who knows your
Ev'ry whim.
Wait for him now.


Where's the check?
Get me the waiter.
I'm not going to stay.
Plant you now, dig you later.
I'm on my way.
My regret couldn't be greater
At having to scram.
Plant you now, dig you later.
I'm on the lam.
Bye-bye, my hep chick,
Solid and true.
I'll keep in step, chick,
Till I come digging for you.
So, little potater,
Stay right where you are.
Plant you now, dig you later
Means au revoir,
Just au revoir!


I know your time is money
And though you leave me, Sunny,
We'll have a future honeymoon.
Right now it's time to start your
Farewells that mean departure.
I keep deep in your heart
You're all for me.
Call for me soon.


      13.  Den of Iniquity (Alternate title:  "In Our Little Den Of           
Introduced by Vivienne Segal and Gene Kelly.


Just two little lovebirds all alone
In a little cozy nest
With a little secret telephone;
That's the place to rest.

Artificial roses round the door-
They are never out of bloom-

And a flowered carpet on the floor
In the loving room.


In our little den of iniquity
Our arrangement is good.

It's much more healthy living here;
This rushing back home is bad, my dear,

I haven't caught a cold all year.

Knock on wood!

It was ever thus since antiquity,
All the poets agree.

The chambermaid is very kind,
She always thinks we're so refined.

Of course, she's deaf and dumb and blind-

No fools, we-
In our little den of iniquity.


In our little den of iniquity
For a girly and boy,

We'll sit and let the hours pass;
A canopy bed has so much class,

And so's a ceiling made of glass-
Oh, what joy!

Love has been that way since antiquity,
Down to you and me.

The radio, I used to hate,
But now when it is dark and late
Tchaikovsky's "1812" sounds great-*
That's for me,

In our little den of iniquity.
Oh, what joy!

We're very proper folks, you know.

We've separate bedrooms comme il faut.
There's one for play and one for show.

You chase me
In our little den of iniquity.

*Alternate version:
Ravel's "Bolero" works just great-

      14.  Do It the Hard Way  
Introduced by Jack Durant, June Havoc, Claire Anderson,
and ensemble.


Fred Astaire once worked so hard
He often lost his breath,
And now he taps all the other chaps to death.
Working hard did not retard
The young Cab Calloway.
Now hear him blow his vo-de-o-do today.


Do it the hard way
And it's easy sailing.
Do it the hard way
And it's hard to lose.
Only the soft way
Has a chance of failing;
You have to choose.
I took the hard way
When I tried to get you;
You took the soft way
When you said, "We'll see,"
Darling, now I'll let you
Do it the hard way
Now that you want me.

      15.  Take Him
           Introduced by Leila Ernst and Vivienne Segal.

          VERSE 1

          He was a cutie-I admit I used to care.
          But it's my duty to myself to take the air.
          I won't prevent you from eloping if you wish.
          May I present you with this tasty dish.

          REFRAIN 1

          Take him, you don't have to pay for him.
          Take him, he's free.
          Take him, I won't make a play for him.
          He's not for me.
          He has no head to think with.*
          True that his heart is asleep.
          But he has eyes to wink with.
          You can have him cheap.
          Keep him and just for the lure of it,
          Marry him, too.
          Keep him, for you can be sure of it,
          He can't keep you.
          So take my old jalopy,
          Keep him from falling apart.
          Take him, but don't ever take him to heart.

          VERSE 2

          Thanks, little mousey, for the present and all that,
          But in this housey, I would rather keep a rat.
          Only a wizard could reform that class of males.
          They say a lizard cannot change his scales.

          REFRAIN 2

          Take him, I won't put a price on him.
          Take him, he's yours.
          Take him, pajamas look nice on him.
          But how he snores!
          Though he is well adjusted,
          Certain things make him a wreck.
          Last year his arm was busted
          Reaching from a check.
          His thoughts are seldom consecutive.
          He just can't write.
          I know a movie executive
          Who's twice as bright.
          Lots of good luck, you'll need it,
          And you'll need aspirin, too.
          Take him, but don't ever let him take you.

          REFRAIN 3

          I hope that things will go well with him;
          I bear no hate.
          All I can say is the hell with him;
          He gets the gate.
          So take my benediction,
          Take my old benedict, too.
          Take it away, it's too good to be true.

*Earlier version of refrain 1, lines 5-8:
True that his head is lumber,
True that his heart is like ice.
You'll find this little number
Cheap at half the price.

      16.  Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (Reprise)  

          Wise at last,
          My eyes at last
          Are cutting you down to your size at last-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered no more.
          Burned a lot,
          But learned a lot,
          And now you are broke, though you earned a lot-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered no more.
          Couldn't eat-
          Was dyspeptic,
          Life was so hard to bear;
          Now my heart's antiseptic
          Since you moved out of there.
          Your chance-finis;
          Those ants that invaded my pants-finis-
          Bewitched, bothered and bewildered no more.

      17.  Finale: I Could Write A Book  

          If they asked me, I could write a book;
          About the way you walk, and whisper;
          And look.
          I could write a preface;
          On how we met;
          That the world will never forget.

          And the simple;
          Secret of the plot;
          Is just to tell them;
          That I love you, alot.
          Then the world discovers;
          As my book ends;
          How to make two lovers of friends.

             18.   I'm Talking To My Pal (Dropped before the New York opening)
                     Sung by Gene Kelly in the Philadelphia tryout.


I'm independent.
I'm a descendant
Of quite a family of heels.
I'm never lonely.
I and I only
Know how my pal Joey feels.
Who else would pay for my meals?


I'm talking to my pal,
Myself, my closest friend.
And that's the only pal
On whom I can depend.
When I come home at night,
A bit too tight to see,
My wallet is all right-
I'd never steal from me.
My friend stands pat
When I am flat.
He only cheats when I do.
I can't be sure of girls,
I'm not at home with men-
I'm ending up with me again.