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Penzance (if by Seuss)
Dr. Seuss’s The Pirates of Penzance
By Daniel Florip
ACT I.
[Pirates enter with Frederic and Ruth, general merriment]
PIRATES:
Dear Frederic, let us celebrate,
For you have come of age – how great!
And as your birthday now has passed,
You may be one of us at last!
FREDERIC:
Dear pirate friends, I must admit,
Your kind words make me weep a bit,
But though I’d like to with you stay,
I take my leave of you today!
PIRATE KING:
But why, if you would like to stay,
Would you ever go away?
SAMUEL:
Yes, yes, don’t make us rave and rant,
You couldn’t, mustn’t, and you shan’t!
FREDERIC:
My friends, to you it can’t be clear
Why I would leave a band so dear,
And so I must divert you to
My nursemaid Ruth, who’ll tell you true.
RUTH:
Oh pirates, listen as I say
That I was young and cute one day.
PIRATE KING:
You were?
PIRATES:
You were?
RUTH:
Yes, yes, you know,
A many, many years ago!
But although young, I could not hear,
And Frederic whom I nursed so dear,
His father wanted ‘prenticed to
A pilot from a naval crew.
And although “pilot” he did say,
Heard “pirate” I from him that day,
And lo, young Frederic did become
Like you – a pirate, swilling rum!
PIRATE KING:
Like us?
RUTH:
Like you! He did become
A pirate, pirate, swilling rum!
FREDERIC:
Now see you all how I am not
Part of your filthy, vile lot,
But ‘twas my duty here to stay
Years twenty-one – until today!
With pirate ways I’ve ne’er agreed,
You’ve put in me an evil seed,
And so although I love you still,
I now must kill you, and I will!
PIRATE KING:
Young Frederic, if you feel this way,
For you we cheer—
PIRATES:
Hurray, hurray!
PIRATE KING:
We wish to you the best of luck,
But heed the dangers of your pluck!
[exit Pirates]
RUTH:
Young master, I must with you go!
FREDERIC [aside]:
She loves me still! Oh, no! Oh, no!
[aloud]:
Are you as fair as you have said?
RUTH:
Oh, master, fair as apples red!
FREDERIC:
Good, good, your sentiments I trust.
I will be yours, oh come what must!
But soft, what harks near yonder sky?
A dozen maidens by-and-by!
Ruth, you fool, you wretched hag!
Why did I trust so stout a bag?
These maidens would (if even mimes)
Be fairer than you many times!
RUTH:
Oh Frederic, did I hear you right?
FREDERIC:
So NOW you hear, you palsied fright!
[exit Ruth]
I must a maiden try to wed
Before old age may strike me dead!
[hides in cave]
[enter General Stanley’s Wards]
MAIDENS:
It would be nice if father dear
Were not so slow and now were here,
Although it lets us dip our feet
Before our picnic we must eat.
FREDERIC [interrupting]:
Dear maidens—
MAIDENS:
Ah! Sir, who are you?
FREDERIC:
A member of a pirate crew,
Who from that wicked crew has fled
In the hopes that I may wed!
MAIDENS [excited]:
May wed? May wed? Yes, yes, may wed!
In the hopes that he may wed!
FREDERIC:
You seem to me to be quite nice—
MAIDENS [now fickle]:
Oh sir, we like you less than mice!
We’re much to good to be allied
To one whose clothes are torn and dyed!
[enter Mabel]
MABEL:
Oh, be ashamed my sisters dear!
For this poor lad I shed a tear.
Next morning will the deal be done,
When I wed this poor, wandering one!
MAIDENS [to each other]:
Oh, look at them so cute and sprite,
To me it doesn’t seem quite right.
But let them stray without a tether,
We’ll just talk about the weather!
FREDERIC:
Maidens, I should warn you that
I hear some noises (not the cat!),
I think they are the pirates who
Would be content in wedding you!
[enter Pirates suddenly]
PIRATES:
Ha, ha, hee, ho, ho, ho, hoo!
You are the girls we wish to woo!
Now our ship you will adorn,
When we all wed tomorrow morn!
MAIDENS:
Tomorrow morn!
PIRATES:
Tomorrow morn!
Is when you’ll all our ship adorn!
MABEL:
But pirates, you are very wrong,
For here to sing his famous song,
Arrives our General father who
Will cause you all to bid adieu.
SAMUEL [to Pirates]:
We should rethink our mighty quest
And this endeavor lay to rest,
For he, if what she says is true,
May well outwit our mighty crew!
PIRATES:
Our mighty crew, our mighty crew,
[enter Major General]
MAJOR-GENERAL:
Yes, yes, it’s time you bid adieu!
I am a Major-General
(And all that rhymes is “mineral”),
And as I’m singing Dr. Seuss,
Hex decameter’s no use.
So I will just move on to say
That I can beat you any day
At coming up with rhymes and more,
And singing airs from Pinafore.
Now, what goes here? It seems to me
My daughters face some jeopardy.
PIRATE KING:
We’ve lawfully your girls procured,
And they’ll be safe, thou rest assured.
EDITH:
Oh Father, listen as I pray,
You must not heed what they may say!
The Pirates of Penzance they are—
From noble birth
MAIDENS:
Too far, too far!
MAJOR-GENERAL [aside]:
Dear me, dear me, what can be done,
For these young lads we can’t outrun.
But wait, I’ve hatched a cunning plot!
MAIDENS [whispering]:
We hope it’s good – It’s all we’ve got!
MAJOR-GENERAL [aloud]:
Brave Pirate King, before you try
To all my daughters from me pry,
Do you know what it’s like to grow
Without a mom and pop to know?
PIRATE KING:
Do you mean to say that you
Have grown up as an orphan, too?
In such a case we’ll honor that.
PIRATES:
We’re foiled again! Oh drat, oh drat!
PIRATE KING:
You may go, for we believe
You have no tricks under your sleeve.
We make you now on wave and sand
A member of our pirate band!
MAIDENS:
Hurray, hurray! On wave and sand,
Papa’s a member of their band!
ALL:
Oh happy day with joyous glee,
We will away and merry be—
MAJOR GENERAL:
Merry,
PIRATE KING:
Merry,
FREDERIC AND MABEL:
Merry be!
ALL EXCEPT RUTH:
Merry, merry, merry be!
[general rejoicing, end of Act I]
ACT II.
[Major General weeping, daughters enter to comfort him]
MAIDENS:
It pains us, father, very much
That you may weep and cry and such,
And as we loyal to you are,
We’ll never from your side be far!
[enter Frederic]
MABEL:
Oh Frederic, can you make things right
And lift dear Father’s mood tonight?
FREDERIC:
I will, kind Mabel, if you tell
Me why his bubbly spirits fell.
MAJOR GENERAL:
Frederic, Frederic, I’ll confess,
For lies enormous me possess.
And even years a-way back when,
I never have an orphan been!
FREDERIC:
Take heart, brave sir, and cry no more—
A mighty battle is in store!
For as before this night is done,
The pirates die; they live not one!
[enter Police, single file]
POLICE:
We are very, very brave,
But also frightened of the grave!
And when we into battle go,
Our courage never seems to show!
When we into battle go!
When we into battle go!
When we into battle go!
MAJOR GENERAL [interrupting]:
You’ll never into battle go!
MAIDENS:
Now they go! Now they go!
POLICE:
We really into battle go!
[exit all but Frederic]
[enter Pirate King and Ruth]
PIRATE KING:
Frederic! Good to see you, boy!
FREDERIC:
Pirate King! My old employ!
Know you not that I have said
This very night I’ll kill you dead?
RUTH:
Frederic spare us, for we’re here
To share some cranks and quibbles queer.
PIRATE KING:
We had laid the fact to rest
That you had left our pirate nest,
But as we read your papers, old,
We noticed something good as gold!
Yes, it seems that you were born
In ’56 on leap-year morn,
And as we count by days of birth,
You’ve been five years upon the Earth!
FREDERIC [to Ruth]:
Five years?
RUTH:
Five years!
FREDERIC [to Pirate King]:
Five years?
PIRATE KING:
Five years!
FREDERIC:
I’m five years old, as it appears!
RUTH:
But not think your work is done—
You owe us birthdays—twenty-one!
FREDERIC [torn]:
I must remain a pirate still!
It is my duty, and I will!
[aside]:
But horror! Now I must reply
By telling them the general’s lie!
[aloud]:
My friends, it pains me much to say
The general fibbed with you today,
And though I fear it leads to strife,
Two parents had he all his life!
PIRATE KING:
It angers me to think that one
So friendly-like would with us pun,
And so because to us he lied,
We shall not rest till he has died!
[exit Pirate King and Ruth]
[enter Mabel]
MABEL:
Oh Frederic, why are you in tears?
FREDERIC:
Oh Mabel, ‘tis my heart’s arrears.
I love you tenderly, you know,
But it’s my duty now to go.
MABEL:
Why, oh why? What can be wrong?
Is it the way I sang my song?
FREDERIC:
No, kind maiden! You did well,
I thought “Poor Wandering One” was swell.
But as a pirate, I have found
That I am dutifully bound
To serve whichever ends up more:
Years twenty-one or eighty-four!
MABEL:
I’ll wait, dear Frederic, till you’re through,
And then continue loving you.
I’ll love you as I do today,
And even if your tresses gray!
[exit Frederic]
[enter Police as before]
POLICE:
We’re not sure why we’ve returned,
For we are dunderheads, you’ve learned,
And so we’re marching to and fro
Ere we into battle go!
Ere we into battle go!
Ere we into battle go!
Ere we into battle go!
Ere we into battle go!
MABEL:
Oh Sergeant brave, this I implore,
Please make these pirates live no more!
SERGEANT:
Young maiden, listen please to me,
Of course we will—
1st POLICEMAN [aside]:
Not me!
2nd POLICEMAN [aside]:
Not me!
[exit Mabel, Police hide]
[enter Pirates stealthily]
PIRATES:
We’re trying to be very hushed,
For this great heist cannot be rushed.
We’ll break into the general’s house
And be as quiet as a mouse.
SAMUEL:
So take you all your burgling stuff,
And lift your crowbars, chew your snuff,
For we’ll be celebrating when
The Major General killed has been!
PIRATES:
Yes, we’ll be celebrating when
The Major General killed has been!
FREDERIC:
Hush, hush, I think the general comes!
He must not see us pirate scums!
[enter Major General, Pirates hide]
MAJOR GENERAL:
As sleeplessly I lay awake,
I heard a foot some footsteps take,
And since my worried heart it cloys,
I thought I’d see what was the noise.
But now my worried heart’s at ease,
I see it only was the breeze.
Yes, yes, yes, the breeze, the breeze,
I hope it only was the breeze.
[enter Daughters]
MAIDENS:
Dear Father, why aren’t you at rest?
You need your sleep to be your best!
[Pirates jump out of hiding, seize Major General and daughters]
PIRATE KING:
Forward, forward, former earls!
Kill the general! Take the girls!
MAIDENS:
Help us, help us! Can you hear?
[Police jump out of hiding]
POLICE:
We will save you, never fear!
[Pirates and Police fight, Police succumb]
PIRATES:
We are the best! We’ve beaten you!
And those who’ve beaten us are few!
SERGEANT:
Surrender, pirates (this is lame)
In Queen Victoria’s mighty name!
PIRATE KING:
General, we submit, I ween
Because we love our glorious Queen.
[Pirates let up Police and release Major General and Daughters]
MAJOR GENERAL:
Constables take them, to jail they go!
RUTH:
What you say you do not know!
They are not of the common throng—
They’re noblemen who’ve all gone wrong!
MAJOR GENERAL:
It seems they’re peers, as things befall,
[turning to Pirate King]
So take my daughters—beauties all!
[each Pirate and Policeman takes a Daughter, Major General takes Ruth]
ALL:
Oh, happy day with joyous glee,
We’ll go to church and married be!
FREDERIC AND MABEL:
Married,
PIRATE KING AND EDITH:
Married,
SAMUEL AND KATE:
Married be!
MAJOR GENERAL AND RUTH:
Married,
SERGEANT AND ISABEL:
Married,
ALL:
Married be!
Oh, happy day with joyous glee,
We’ll go to church and married be!
CURTAIN